MARRIED TO YOUR HAND You re a chronic hand-humper who can t stop gooning and pathetically jerking off into a sock You know no woman would want a man like that but there s someone who ll never leave you your hand Sure you re severely lacking in sexual expertise but it s not like you re trying to impress a woman with your skills under the sheets This is your palm we re talking about it will always be there for you You two are a match made in heaven