This post is going to be about borderline personality disorder and how
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2 days ago
freakkira
This post is going to be about borderline personality disorder and how it impacts my self-identity sexuality and self-sexualization and the desire to be adored in general nbsp Every time I develop strong feelings for someone I inevitably absorb not only a big part of their interests but also their aesthetic On a date and often beyond it I start looking exactly how I know they d like me to Not because I want to be loved at any cost but because I want to gain maximum control over intimacy and the attention directed at me nbsp I ll be whoever you want me to be I ll smile move and speak the way you like and about things that will resonate with you I ll tie my hair up wear more green outline my eyes with black eyeliner put on oversized light jeans and sneakers wear stockings and a boring shade of lipstick add a bunch of accessories or take them all off I ll dress up undress nbsp I might turn into a walking sexualized stereotype in heavy platform boots Or I might relax go for a natural confident look and slip into Converse sneakers I ll become interesting myself with a unique style wearing the same stockings as gloves pairing them with a top a choker and earrings made of clay and stones nbsp Still I ll never change my personality Instead I ll highlight those aspects of my interests that align with ours I ll get as close as possible to the image of your desires while staying far enough away for you to see only what you want to see but can t have nbsp And yet it all ends when I start letting go of control while intimacy still lingers That s when genuine connection begins and you ll slip your hand under the shirt I put on to match my mood I ll know I m accepted and that I always would have been no matter what But now I ll wait for the moment that inevitably comes next I ll wait for you to start falling in love with me And that moment always comes after I ve already fallen Falling in love pulls me into vulnerability and the urge to mirror becomes more of an exception than a constant pattern nbsp What I ve written here reflects almost fully processed experiences that I felt it was important to share to finally step out of the role of the woman who wants to please everyone What s described above has nothing to do with how I behave online but it was once my conscious way of interacting with such people It s also important to admit that these things only happen in cases of intense and unhealthy obsession which arises in certain interactions