Good morning to all my modest cholesterol fans who don t send me money
3.1K views・
8 months ago
girloftheforest
Good morning to all my modest cholesterol fans who don t send me money Today I ll altruistically delight you with a new post First the usual part and then the hatepost The Usual Part I m tired of maintaining this body I don t understand the concept of a body Different people message me telling me I m very sexy and that I evoke desire Are they talking about me About this rotting piece of flesh covered in a luscious layer of fat I m not saying fat is bad or good every fat girl will find her admirer and that s fine It s just that I don t perceive myself as a woman I wasn t raised within the confines of any stereotypes neither in how I dress nor in how I behave I m just a person And for the first time in my life I ve consciously entered a space where objectification is normalized and even elevated But in my mind this creates an absolute dissonance because the person in the photos isn t me I m here in my head in these words that I m writing But not there There it s just a body I m tired of washing it tired of lifting it in the morning tired of dressing it Tired of taking care of its needs tired of hearing sounds tired of speaking How much longer do I have to do this You take one sip of water and already you have to visit bathroom You brush your teeth and they re dirty again And heaven forbid you don t keep up with it all everything falls apart What s the point It s just decomposition Decomposition stretched across a lifetime The only things we know about life are that we exist in this moment and that someday we ll die Past memories and future plans are subjective they might as well not exist at all Time only exists to prevent everything from happening all at once So why am I living if I m not truly alive Why For pain for boredom To keep failing over and over when my strength and resources are already depleted To watch people around me lose their minds turning into grotesque versions of themselves To bury my dogs and see the wrinkles deepen on my mother s face I hate this I hate this piece of meat I don t know if I m trapped inside it or if I am it but I don t understand if I ever chose this If only I knew why The Hatepost And now the rant I also hate courier services This morning I got a text saying my delivery would arrive between 9 and 11 30 I planned to take some photos but patiently stayed in bed waiting By 11 25 I figured the package would probably just be dropped off at a locker So I got in the shower and started taking photos and of course that s when the courier called Great Soaking wet I threw on a robe and ran outside I stood there like an idiot for another 15 minutes before finally getting my boots As usual courier services exceeded all expectations Then my father showed up Naturally the first thing he did was flood the sink just by washing his hands When he used to live here he d constantly eat leaving the sink full of dishes and water I d wash them over and over and my hands became painfully dry and inflamed He started asking me how things were at home and how Mom was doing Really How do you think Mom s doing after you spent 15 years using drugs drinking and then left her for another woman while her father was dying Probably fantastic I tried to answer his questions in monosyllables so I wouldn t lose my temper But honestly it s infuriating